bound by blood
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: Al is confused about the blood seal that binds him in more ways than he's willing to admit, but somehow doesn't want to be released from. (Note: Al Ed pairing)


**Fandom: Full Metal Alchemist  
Title: bound by blood.  
Pairing: Al + Ed  
Title: bound by blood  
Description - Al is confused about the blood seal that binds him in more ways than he's willing to admit, but somehow doesn't want to be released from. (Note: Al + Ed pairing)**

**Disclaimer - Full Metal Alchemist and Mai Kuraki's 'Secret of my heart' do not belong to me, but the 'song' does.**

_"I will be with you,  
Wherever you are._

_Can you feel my heart?  
Can you feel my heart?_

_Can't you see you're my dream?"_

**bound by blood.  
By miyamoto yui**

Did you know that he used to sing for me?  
No, I'm sure you didn't. After all, it was a very long time ago. Not in numbers, but in the days of living inside your head…

"Please eat," I begged as I sat on his bed while I creaked.

If I could have closed my eyes in disappointment at myself and at the frustration I had towards you, then I would have. But even so, even if you could see me, I probably would have done that inside of my mind and not to your face.  
Though, I'm sure, you wouldn't have seen it at all.

You continued to stare out in front of you. Your eyes perpetually looked out towards the direction of the window before you as the sun fell onto your sheets, the same as the vibrancy captured in your hair.

But they didn't touch one another, as if always missing one another.

Just like the light that seemed to cherish and caress you but you turned away from it, you always looked past me. Even though I blocked most of that view now, without trying to, you made me feel transparent…

…as if I wasn't worthy of being there.

Ni-chan…

While trying to sound as normally cheerful as usual, I patted his head with my metal hand. I tried to keep up the tone while trying not to inwardly wince every time I creaked. Humans didn't creak, but I did. And I wondered if there was anything more to me if my soul was bound to this armored body.

"Come on. It's time to eat," I said while watching him sit straight like a painted, porcelain doll whose expression never changed. It only changed shape inside of your head because you wanted to believe that it would react to you.

Even though Aunty Pinako and Winry would have liked to enter the room, I was the only one he allowed to come in. He would throw a tantrum whenever they'd come in and for me, he wouldn't even make a sound.

I really didn't understand. And I hated seeing him like this.

Then, his eyes looked down at his metal hand and tears came down his eyes though he didn't sniff or wail. His blank eyes wouldn't blink, but the tears would fall onto his arms.

Kamisama…  
I wished I could wipe them away…

I took my cloth and wiped his arms as well as patted his eyes. But this time, I touched him with my steel fingertip.

It made a small scratch and his eyes looked at mine now.

If I could wail…  
..but how would that sound? Like nails on a chalkboard?

"Oh, I'm sorry about that," I said as I patted the spot on his cheek with my cloth. He put his hand over mine and pressed it against his cheek while closing his eyes.

His mouth didn't move, but I could feel him saying my name. I couldn't feel him, but somehow we were reaching each other through the brokenness.

He then let go of my hand and I took up the spoon with some porridge in it. "Will you eat now?"  
He opened his mouth, but his eyes were still looking out.

Ni-chan still refused to speak. He wanted to remain a mute who was always disturbed and too shocked to even attempt human speech.  
"If I spoke, what good would it do?" was what all those looks really meant.

What were words good for if they only hurt people, especially with the chanting of the most important, yet meaningless syllables in an indiscreet pattern? Alchemy was a conglomeration of the past, present, and future of the self and the environment which could and could not be. In other words, your will determined what could be kept and broken at the same time.  
Then, if that was the case, would that mean that he had wished for this from the beginning?

That he wished harm on his own little brother and was thankful that he was only left with scratches compared to the metal body that now sat beside him?

Humans were like that. That was the core of their own darkness.

As much as someone was good to you and you wished them the best happiness in the world, there was still that trickle of envy which held a deep, sharp point, wanting to come out from one heart and pierce into the other.

"It'll never happen to me." "I know exactly what I'm doing." "I'm immortal." "I can have everything." "As long as I believe, then I'm capable of making everyone happy."

What lies we tell children.  
And how readily, as adults, we believed them from the corners of these little bits of light illuminated with nothing but unadulterated aspiration. For within this hope, that is the main reason we are subject to being hurt.

We allow ourselves to take the risk if we feel the price is correct from our perspective. Except, from nature's point of view, excluding our egocentricity in our weak convictions of unacceptance in the ability to not control everything…

…life is deemed unfair.

Silently, I fed my brother the only thing he wanted to eat: porridge.

No substance. It was the bare minimum of physical requirements in order to sustain the body from what the soul could never devour in this brittle, superficial form of life.  
That was exactly what we, as children, did in order to revive our mother, and suddenly became aware of the fact that we were instantly adults unable to take responsibility of dealing with mature feelings.

I don't think anyone can, at any point in time.

Ni-chan no longer spoke and the silence of the room filled the emptiness of my hollow body with, at least, _something_.

There were days that I forcefully held him in my arms as he protested. I lovingly took him out and carried him for a block or two in the early evening after dinner. He would look around, but never moved his head away from my cold chest while his fingers pressed into my armor, wincing at the inflictions of new wire connections merging with his flesh.

But his warmth never changed. The heat of his body almost made me as malleable as he always made me feel, or so I wanted to imagine myself feeling.

I tried to shun these horrible thoughts of wanting him to depend on me so that he'd never leave me. It was an ugly part of me that, until now, I tried to deny. For, was that our brotherly love? Maybe it was just a synthetic form at the time.

What could have held us together? Dreams? What dreams did he or I have now?

I became aware of how I took sleep for granted when I had a human body as I watched him close his eyes. I sat down and did nothing but look at him.

There was no such thing as 'rest'.

Day after day, we were wasting away, breaking the thin string that kept us together. Aunty and Winry were very worried, but there was only so much you could do for those you loved.

And so, our dreams (the remnants of what was left behind) had to take a slightly different path, but I couldn't stand the uneasy, quiet vein developing in our tranquil, flowing river that connected our hearts together. Whether it would turn all into mud or become a sparkle of gold was truly uncertain.

But one night, I truly had enough.

For the second time in my whole life, I shouted at my brother.  
"I don't want you…" I told him.

Crr, cree.  
My steel fingers clasped and unclasped almost becoming bent by the amount of pressure I used as if digging fingernails into my nonexistent flesh palms. I finally held my hands in firm fists.

I looked up to the face that was blankly watching the night sky through the window from his bed.

"I DON'T WANT YOU ANYMORE~! You're NOT my Ni-chan~!"

No response.

"Because…" I began to sob with my body shaking and clanging in anger and pain. "…my brother wouldn't EVER be selfish to leave me alone~! He wouldn't EVER BREAK HIS PROMISE TO ME~!" I shook my head. "You think I like being like this? Do you know how SCARED I am that my soul can be erased with something as ordinary as water?"

There was still nothing.

"Well…" I took off my helmet head and put it on his bed watching him. I took his hand, stuck it in his mouth and placed it 2cm away from the seal. "YOU put me in here. YOU erase me. It's all the same. I don't care anymore."  
He tried to wring his wrist away, but I held it firmly. "You have to tell me what to do. You can't keep your mouth closed forever."

I want to hear you again…

He turned his head away and tried to pull away again.

Finally, I let go of him. I put my head back on and smiled inside my mind. I took a hold of the knob of the door. "If you won't do it, I'll do it myself. I'm thorough that way."

His head turned to me with a frightened expression. As he was about to shout, he grabbed his throat and nothing came out.

I turned my head away.

"Goodbye."

I couldn't even say Ni-chan or Edward.

I couldn't decide who was it that I wanted to say goodbye to. Was it the brother that always took care of me or was it the person whose affections I shouldn't have hungered for more of?

I don't know how I left without a commotion, but I did. Maybe, Winry and Aunty realized it was our problem and we had to deal with it. I respected them even more for this, but I was sorry to be so rude.

Squeaking along the way, I ran as fast I could to my mother's grave. I knelt there and sobbed with my heart spilling onto the grass, my sadness spreading down to the roots as if I could somewhat console the contorted soul with a little of my own.  
"Mother…I'm so sorry, Mother."

What was I saying sorry for anyway? Was it because of our selfishness? Was it because of what I did to Ni-chan? Was it because we were now torn away from one another when we were the pillar of each other's strength?

Was it because I gave up at having not been able to bear life alone with Ni-chan even though he was right beside me?

Was this my punishment for wanting to taint his blood at my single sin? I was the 'good' one, but if only people knew how wrong they were. I actually wanted my to make love to my own brother. That's why I didn't want to touch him anymore. I was too honest and I couldn't hold it in anymore.

Mother! Mother~! Don't hate me~!

At that moment, I discovered what it meant to shatter my own idealistic love: Whoever said that "I'll be with you forever" probably naively never knew the sadness of being next to a dead person who's bodily appearance was right before them to taunt them with the fake state of being 'alive'.

After a few minutes of talking to her, I finally finished, "I love you very much, Mother. Please forgive me again. Goodbye."

Then, in the middle of the night, I groped my way through the forest we used to play in. We pretended that we were pirates looking for treasure or making fortresses in order to take over the rest of the world.  
There wasn't anything we could do because we did it together.

_/"I'll be right next to you, Ni-chan."  
"Whoever said I'd leave you, Al?" He patted my head and then whacked it. "You worry too much and I'm the older one!"/_

"…little bird, where have you flown?  
I know you're here…"

It's all in my head.  
I was starting to hallucinate, right?.

"Little bird, come back to me.  
I don't care if you're not human.  
Even if you never come to visit me  
but only when the moon comes out  
to make your feathers  
into flesh,  
I'll still wait for you."

Was I hearing things? Mother was that you?

The fading voice was becoming a little bit louder, but I was already at the riverbank kneeling down.

"It doesn't matter to me, you see?  
I've been blind all my life  
Even though everyone says my blank eyes  
are the most beautiful in the world,  
separate, dark pools within themselves.

The only think I knew was the slight warmth  
of the moonlight on my skin  
When I leaned weakly on the windowsill.  
'Come to me,' I said helplessly.  
You were my lover,  
having nowhere else to direct my affections."

The lullaby she made when Father left…

"For, people forget about you,  
patronize you,  
ignore you,  
and forget your humanity  
When you're not  
'like them'."

I took off my helmet and reached into the river.

"But you,  
whether a soft light  
or in the form of a bird,  
or a human who touched me at night  
when I was sleeping,  
it was all the same.

I knew it was you.

You are all I love.

So I don't care…"

His voice became soft as he tried to put my head back on. We struggled for a bit, but he kept on singing and singing. He then put the helmet back in place and wrapped his arms around my wide shoulders.

Quietly, he sang on,  
"I don't care  
what you are,  
where you come and go,  
just come and hold me  
before this weak body dies.

Unlike you,  
my weakened body won't let me-

I can't live forever,  
My moon lover."

The tears of the river dropped back to where they came from as my fingers stayed in mid-air. I knelt there statuesque in my place.

Why…  
Of all the songs…  
Of all the moments…  
Why did you pick to sing your lullaby to me now?

Did you know how many times I wanted you to sing for me again? Did you know how long I'd been waiting for you to do this?

He let go of me. Then, he stepped to my right side and placed both of his hands on my head to turn it towards his direction. Closing his eyes, he leaned forward and kissed my cold, steel lips.

Then, his eyes opened with the tenderness and rambunctious, yet quiet strength inside the brother I knew. Finally, he spoke to me. And this was what he said to me:

"I'm sorry for leaving you all alone, Al."

His face pressed against the back of my neck as he encircled his arms around me again. I tried to pretend I could feel him and warm me as he always had.

Even if I couldn't tell him or that I felt dirty from feeling this way, you were my only weakness. I loved you more than my brother. If I could cut myself away from you like a strong person should, I would have already, but I can't…

So, as I see you sitting near a fountain in the middle of Central City, your back is turned towards me. I stand here with my eyes plastered on the blue uniform standing next to you.

The song you refused to sing to anyone but me and never sang again that night, you were singing it for him. And I should have been glad to hear it once more. But you are smiling.

As much as you are snickering behind harsh words, you're singing it for him.

I turn around and walk away. I look up to the blue sky as two birds fly by.

_/"Ni-chan! Wake up!" I said as my head turned to see my brother's sleeping face.  
"Wha-what happened, Al?!" He sat straight up and put one hand on my chest while surveying the area around us.  
"We have to get home 'cause Mom will be very worried!" I quickly got up and held onto his hand._

_I was always scared of the dark._

_And it was so dark because of all the trees blocking any type of light shining through. But he held my hand firmly._

_I scolded, "Why didn't you wake me up, Ni-chan?"  
"I got tired too and I couldn't wake you up because you looked really happy," he told me while pulling my hand and taking small, careful steps._

_Even though I knew he was there and I put my other hand on his back, I was still so scared of the dark because I believed in the little superstitions of things like spirits kidnapping small, innocent children. And my brother didn't say a word even though I knew he was scared too._

_For my sake, as always, he pretended to be brave. He smiled and made jokes along the way._

_The wind blew more and the branches rustled. I clung onto him helplessly._

_That was when he sang Mother's lullaby. _

_For the rest of the trip home, until we reached the blinking lights, he sang to me./_

But now, in this inner darkness, where do I go? I know I'm not supposed to cling onto you or that I can keep you forever, but I'm mourning with no body before me. I know I'm supposed to grow up all over again, but…

I glance up to the two birds poking one another and chirping almost as if they are bickering.

What will happen if I have to be here for the rest of my life?

In a sense, I'm immortal. I cannot change shape or form. Therefore, I can't grow with you, Ni-chan. I won't be able to die with you either.

And here I am. I'm blind and groping in this darkness like the person in that lullaby.

Now, I truly understand why I always felt sad whenever I heard it even though I didn't get it when I was little.

"Al! Al! What are you doing?!" He came up behind me and hugged me.  
And that was when I took him into my arms and placed him on my shoulders.

"Just looking at the birds."  
He places one hand on his forehead to block out the sun while the other holds onto my head. He's now observing what I'd been staring at for a while now. He laughs in a deep, smiling way, "They look like us."

They are now flying side my side, but I am not really paying attention to them anymore. I am looking up at him, the embodiment of the sun.  
And I wanted to cry.

You're so stupid, Ni-chan.

You said you would never leave me, but the way we want to be with one another is totally different. In an alternate universe, it would have been all right, but not here. And in the way you think, it's probably the accepted, common way.

I…  
I don't want it that way…

So, in the end, those two birds aren't us. They're the two of you…

If I could be reincarnated, can't it be in a place where I can be with you the way I want? I don't care where or what circumstances, even if I'm just a spirit that you can't see. It is no different than what I do now, but that's selfish, isn't it, Edward Ni-chan?  
Not quite unrequited. Neither it is acceptable.

It's unreasonable and impure in nature, but my love is clear and clean somewhere that doesn't exist anywhere except inside of me.

So then, I've learned that no matter if someone says they'll stay with you forever, they're still just words. We, as humans, choose to put meaning into them with all our feelings and logic as justifications. And perpetually, we are all children trying to find our way back to a time that's simple, non-judgmental, and an undying warmth filled with so much care.  
We don't want responsibilities that are beyond our comprehension.

That's why children believe in fairy tales, don't you see? There's an uninteresting road with no turnpikes, but there's still a focus. Maybe when we grow up, we give these things up for complexities to make up for anything we personally lacked from what we thought we deserved…

But, upon closer look up, fairy tales aren't as straight as they seem to be told. And I knew that when my brother looked at him, it was probably the end of our story opening to a completely new one. Here I was struggling to keep the book open with all my might and with all my useless chants as if love could help.

Sometimes, love isn't everything. There is no real ending. There is no true beginning.

No definite resolution.

My brother, since that day I tried to erase his blood mark, never sang for me again. He had told me that lullabies were for little kids.

So…  
So tell me why did you sing for him?

"Edward?"  
He looked down at me and both of his white gloves held onto me. "Did I do something again? You're mad at me again, aren't you? You wouldn't call me by my name like mom did if that weren't the case. Eh heh heh, is it because I…"

No, it wasn't you at all. You didn't cherish or love me less. I am mad myself because I'm unable to hold back or say anything more. At that moment, for the first time since I had occupied this cold, hollow body, I feel a warm, pinching ache within my invisible heart as if fingernails were scraping away at it.

The seal was what made me prolong the experience of my happiness. It was a gift from the person I loved most in the world.  
But, it was created from the blood that bound my unhappiness too.

Maybe, the mark I was desperately trying to protect was being slowly clawed away,

little by little,  
all by itself.

**Owari. / The End.**

**Author's note - **I created this story when I was walking down my usual route to the public library. In my stress over my finals, I had this scenario of Ed singing to Al when they were much younger.  
Though this is quite depressing, I hoped that it would convey the beauty and deep affection that I've come to enjoy from the Ed x Al pairing. (This is why I always have an icon on my LJ for them even if my favorite pairing is Roy x Ed or Ed x Roy.)  
This fic, though suddenly inspired, took several days to be thought over, written, and revised. I don't know why, but I got particularly picky with this piece. Having so little time to write all the things I want, I might as well write things that I hope will make an impact in my well-being, as well as touch you, the reader.

Thank you again for reading. ^_^

Sincerely,  
Miyamoto Yui  
**  
Monday, June 6, 2005  
12:48 AM**


End file.
